Rita Anayê comes back to Supernormalized with host CeeJay Barnaby for the questions their first conversation could not finish. The tone stays plain and close. She talks about sex, shame, and the nervous system the way a practitioner talks after years of sitting with real couples.
She opens with a hard claim. The two strongest ways to control people are to make them dislike themselves, and to disconnect them from their sexuality. Men get pointed at the next car, the next job, the next partner. Women get pointed at eyebrows, body, hair, a target that keeps moving. Religion and social rules, she says, piled repression on sexual energy because a person aligned with that energy is very hard to steer. Kundalini can wreck a life when it is unmanaged. With alignment it sharpens the mind, the intuition, and a sense of presence.
Most intimacy trouble, for Rita, is a safety problem before it is a communication problem or a technique problem. Tantric breath, sound, and movement are real. They do little if the person cannot stay in the body. The couples she sees often want a deeper bond and cannot explain the gap. Under it she finds survival habits: the need to perform, to please, to avoid judgment, to look right. A people-pleasing man becomes anxious and watches for a grade. A woman performs a version of sex she learned from films. Both are up in the mind. Her way through is twofold. Name the pattern, and teach the nervous system that feeling is safe. Closeness then starts from the self, not from a goal.
When the body leaves during closeness, she calls it protection, often dissociation. Feeling the body and feeling emotion are the same circuit. Sexuality, emotion, creativity, and honesty travel together. Shut one down and the others go quiet. Safety is what lets the circuit stay open.
Regulation, she says, is practiced outside the bedroom first. Catch the trigger, the urge to control, the freeze, the people-pleasing leak. Breath brings attention back. From there a person can respond instead of react. That skill shows up later, when they are naked and the old alarm is loud. For men she separates ordinary release-focused masturbation from a pleasure practice that builds familiarity with sensation and with feeling, and the capacity to stay grounded when intensity rises. Sexual energy is life-force energy. The relationship someone has with it shows up far past the bed.
The repeated fight about sex, for her, is two people defending the parts they think are unlovable. Blame keeps the wounded child in charge. Honest feeling, without self-pity, lets the other person feel safe enough to answer. She describes three stages. First, passion and a curated self. Second, the mask drops, desire drops, and many relationships end or go hollow. Third, both people do the inner work, treat the relationship as a practice, and sex becomes devotion as well as pleasure. Leave at that stage and you are less likely to repeat the same wound with someone new.
Talk therapy gave many of her clients a clear map and no door. The missing layer was the body. Her own proof is personal. More than 140 chronic urinary infections, years of antibiotics, every approach she could find, and no lasting stop. During tantric massage her whole body shook, tears ran, and a sound moved through her throat. Ten days later the morning dread was gone. It did not return. She has watched similar releases give people the courage their insight never produced. Awareness is the first step. Then willingness, gentleness with how often the old pattern appears, and the risk of acting differently. The old pattern usually pays them somehow, in belonging or in a feeling of control, and that payment has to be seen before it can be set down.
With men, erectile difficulty, early ejaculation, and porn use often share a root. Early shame taught them to finish fast and in secret. Porn trains the nervous system toward novelty and a mental picture. Anxiety about pleasing a partner keeps them out of the rest of the body. She also watches polarity in a couple: when the man feels disempowered, erection trouble often follows. Her teaching moves energy up through the body with breath and sound, and separates orgasm from ejaculation. One throws energy out. A full-body orgasm, and for some a prostate orgasm, can arrive without that loss. She is careful to say ejaculation is not the enemy. Unconscious, sneeze-quick release is just a very small piece of what is available.
With women she sees pain, numbness, and orgasms that will not come, and she rarely treats that as a technique gap alone. Shame, religious rules, and the story of the good girl cut women off from a sexuality she believes is naturally strong. Vibrators and goal-focused touch can dull sensation. Partners, and the women themselves, often move to penetration before the body has opened, which is more than lubrication. It is a felt yes. When that yes is present, and nobody is chasing a grade, women tell her they feel themselves for the first time. The change shows up in ordinary life: clearer nos, truer wants, clothes and company chosen on purpose. Power, for her, comes from softening, receiving, and intuition, not from copying masculine armor. She also ties sexual abuse to a culture that splits the heart from sex, and she speaks about forgiveness, including of her own past, as the way the cycle stops.
https://www.chrysalistantra.com/
Chapters
0:00 Two ways people get controlled
1:49 What this conversation will cover
2:57 Intimacy begins with safety
12:20 Why the body leaves during closeness
14:59 Skills versus feeling safe
17:37 Regulation in breath and ordinary life
22:47 The fight under the sex argument
27:06 Three stages of a relationship
31:56 What the body still holds
38:14 Awareness is not the same as change
44:06 Under common male sexual symptoms
54:49 Orgasm and ejaculation apart
1:01:46 Pain, numbness, and female sexuality
1:09:17 A woman inhabiting her body
1:12:17 Heart, sex, and stopping a cycle
1:13:51 After the conversation
Transcript
Rita (00:00)
the two best ways to control people make them hate themselves, make make them dislike themselves and disconnect them from their sexuality.
CeeJay (00:09)
Exactly.
Rita (00:11)
It is true because when people dislike themselves, it’s this never-ending chasing of majority of the times for men, the new car, the new job, the new partner, the new whatever.
For women, the the eyebrows, the boobs, the body, the hair, the whatever it is, that it’s always changing, right?
CeeJay (00:41)
Yes.
Rita (00:42)
And the sexual sexuality, it’s obviously Chris, with a very clear reason that religion and society and all of this have put so much repression on top of this energy because they know that once a person
Is fully connected to this energy from a place of alignment because Kundalini just creates it, it can create a lot of bad stuff as well. But when you master a good, very good amount of this energy with alignment, you become unstoppable. It’s it’s impossible to control you. It it literally makes your brain more intelligent, you become cognitively more intelligent.
Your intuition increases, your level of presence, all this shit that is in the nervous system starts to move. And you start to create to understand your divine powers. You become unstoppable.
CeeJay (01:49)
Today on Supernomalized, I welcome back Rita Anayê And we’ve just finished recording now, and I’ve got to say this is a wild session. It’s really good. She goes so deep on different aspects of male and female sexuality, trauma, how talk therapy cannot reach certain things that the body actually has, and how intimacy can be a nervous system struggle. So
Strap yourself in. This is gonna be a good one and I’m sure you’ll enjoy.
Rita (02:23)
Thank you,
CJ. Thank you so much for having me back again. Glad to be
CeeJay (02:27)
Yeah, we did
Rita (02:27)
here.
CeeJay (02:28)
yeah, we didn’t get through all those questions last time and I wanted to have a series where we actually covered everything. So looking forward to discussing with you into intimacy as a nervous system struggle, what the body holds when talk therapy cannot reach, male sexuality and the c incapacity to connect, and female sexuality and how trauma can be held in the body. So yeah, let’s get into it. Okay.
Rita (02:56)
Let’s do
it.
CeeJay (02:57)
All right. So you say that most intimacy struggles are nervous system struggles before they are communication or technique
Rita (03:05)
And
CeeJay (03:05)
problems. What are you seeing when it comes to that?
Rita (03:10)
Yeah, well, I would say that in order for somebody to be able to be really intimate with someone else, the basis of it is safety. A lot of people think that tantric practices involving sexual energy are based mainly on breath, sound, energy moving techniques.
Which are all real and truth, they they do they are part of the process. But if there isn’t a foundation built on safety, anything else that you put on top is going to be limited. And if we think that in order to feel safe, somebody, a person needs to be
Capable to also be present in their bodies, which means not overly activated in the mind. Right? This is a whole process that goes way beyond only sexuality or the willingness, the real willingness and desire to connect and to be intimate. A lot of the people that I work with, majority of them, I would say.
They have, as an intention, being able to connect deeper with my partner. So the desire is there, the longing is there, but they have no idea about why they are not being able to connect. So the story begins with in reality, in reality, they are not able to connect with themselves, first and foremost. Because there is a protection layer.
created by survival mechanisms really, subconscious programs that keep the energy in the mind, as I said before, for example, I’m gonna give you some examples. Need to perform.
The need to please, the need to not being judged, the need to either look good, for example, for a woman. And this is all these are all elements that stop people from truly feeling, right? And they are related to
what we can call certain trauma responses that people operate in their lives for a really, really long time. And these trauma responses might be directly connected to sexual traumatic experiences from the past or not. So I’m gonna give you an example. Somebody who is a people pleaser, right?
That can be called a trauma response because it is a way that somebody found to survive in a certain usually familiar environment where in order to feel loved, protected, safe and belonging, they needed to over excel in making everybody around them happy.
Right, people continue to live for decades with that pattern, and when they start to become intimate with somebody, or even decades after being in a relationship with somebody, these whatever you have inside of you in terms of
Subconscious programs or elements that block your true authentic self from expressing itself, they are going to be amplified. So, usually a man that has people pleasing traits, they are going to become anxious, extremely concerned about performance.
incapable to be present and 100% not feeling their bodies but completely mind mentally oriented trying to make sure that everything is well just so he receives the seal of approval. For a woman they will also try to perform a lot of the times behaving as if
Just like what they see either in Hollywood movies or porn movies, for example, because they understand that that’s the way that is going to please their partners. They are also usually extremely concerned about how they are looking, the position, whatever, which also completely blocks them from connecting with their bodies. So
To my understanding, the most efficient approach starts addressing both several ends of the same situation to bring the person to a center. So, first of all, understanding these automatic patterns that are influencing not only sexuality, but certainly always many other areas of their lives.
And understanding that system, understanding if you’re ready to do something about that system. Because as I said, these are protection, survival mechanisms. And sometimes people are not ready to let that go. It’s not time, they they don’t have a favorable environment in their lives at that moment to work on that. as well as working on
The body in a somatic way, teaching the brain, the nervous system, the cells really to start feeling safe, being present, feeling safe, feeling, being curious with whatever presents itself, removing expectations, removing preoccupation, removing goal-oriented.
connection right and starting to rediscover connection as i said with themselves first and foremost for then start to connect with others from the same place so when people say when a couple say that they they want to be intimate they cannot do it they are struggling with it
It is interesting because the only way to really start addressing that is being courageous enough to be seen in your wholeness, to allow the other to see the parts of yourself that you deem unlovable, that you have been repressed.
That you have been undeniaing exactly because you understand that if somebody sees that, they are not gonna love you. And at the same time, everything that everybody wants is being truly loved and truly seen. So there is no way of transpassing this barrier if both parties talking about a couple are not keen to do this inner work and start yet.
Doing the nervous system work, doing the understanding their subconscious systems and starting to move from that from a place of maturity, self-responsibility, which is really developing ability to respond instead of a lot of the times related, relating from a place of the wounded child.
that exists within them and keeps reacting to things not responding. And this will only create more separation.
CeeJay (12:20)
What is a body doing when it cannot stay present with closeness even when the person wants it?
Rita (12:28)
It’s protecting itself.
CeeJay (12:30)
Mm.
Rita (12:31)
It’s protecting itself. It’s the the process this process is called dissociation. I would say that all humans have a certain level of dissociation, especially if you have not intentionally addressed this before. and this is a necessary process because a lot of the times if
Especially when we are younger, if we were fully present, fully feeling everything, it could be way too overwhelming and cause serious damage, let’s say, to that person. So when somebody starts to get intimate with someone else, and the body shuts down.
It’s an automatic protection mechanism like let’s not feel this because you cannot separate feeling the body and feeling your emotions. Sexuality equals emotionality equals creativity equals authenticity. I can go a little bit deeper into that, those relations if you want, but basically,
When somebody stops filling their bodies, they are also numbing their emotions.
somehow because we feel emotions in the body, not in the brain. The brain produces a neurochemical cocktail that makes us feel certain types of emotions. But when we are angry, it’s our body that feels it. When we are happy, it’s our body that feels it. When we are sad, the whole body posture changes and you feel it in different parts of your body. So
yeah, this is a circuit that closes in order to avoid too muchness. This is what is I mean when I say that safety is fundamental because if there isn’t safety connection and from the safety and allowance to be vulnerable.
The body’s going to ship.
CeeJay (14:59)
Mm. Hmm. Okay. How do you tell the difference between we need better skills and this system cannot feel safe enough to connect?
Rita (15:14)
Usually it’s a combination of both, I would say. The the skills per se that people learn the most come from terrible sources nowadays. There is very rarely good sexual education in in the planet. And at the same time, porn is so available for everybody, which is an extremely poor.
source of how things could be experienced in this realm. So yeah knowing understanding some skills is good but is definitely not the the answer is definitely not the full solution. capacity to this type of connection I call attunement
Capacity to be fully present, first of all, learning that skill with yourself, and then again starting to share that with somebody else. 100% is one of the most powerful ways that you can start feeling safe because there is very few things that make another human being feel safe then.
and this is a nervous system conversation, then understanding and feeling that that other person that is there with you is absolutely present, is perceiving every change of breath, of bodily sensations, of muscle tensions, of response. You feel that you are really being seen.
And then on top of this, when there is no goal-oriented outcome wanted, when there is no pressure to achieve anything, that also brings an immense level of relaxation. So yeah, that’s extr that’s fundamental, I would say. And that’s one of the most important things, especially when I’m working with couples, that I teach them.
CeeJay (17:37)
Okay. What does regulation actually look like in intimacy? Not as a concept, but in breath timing and capacity.
Rita (17:48)
I would say that regulation in intimacy is a reflection of your capacity to regulate every other time of your life. So when I work with clients, the self-regulation tools they start outside of the bedroom. I teach them how to understand their triggers, which can be
What causes them anxiety, or what causes them to start wanting to control everything around them, or an over control of their emotionality, which means freezing. or even, for example, for people pleasing when they catch themselves doing too much, right? And depleting themselves. So that moment you need to recognize.
first of all, you need to learn tools to bring yourself back to your body. In your brain, what’s happening at that moment is you are completely functioning, usually in survival mode, sympathetic mode, automatic reactions. So breath, I usu usually use the tool of breath to bring them back to the body.
Dropping the attention to the body, starting to acknowledge what parts of the body are responding to that situation and how, and what is that trying to protect? Why is that whole process happening from that acknowledgement coming back to the brain? But then now it’s a parasympathetic activation of the brain. It took a
Tension, intention, and presence. So it’s a prefrontal cortex, a logical perception of the environment, then a coherent way of how you want to respond to that. That exercise starts to give people agency and inner authority, which unavoidably is going to be reflected.
In the moments where they are usually most vulnerable, which means when they are intimate with somebody else. Breath, sound, and movement are the three tantric gateways that are used in any tantric practices. So the breath will all already be bringing this awareness to the body. And this level of attunement with somebody else and yourself keeps happening.
At every second and evolving, and it’s only through this capacity of being here and not here that you are going to be able to corregulate in intimacy. And especially for men.
I usually say that their pleasure practice, which is a completely different practice from the regular go-oriented, release focused masturbation, is fundamental. First of all, to change their relationship with their own penises, but also to start becoming very familiar.
With their own emotional landscape and becoming familiar with these potential emotional releases that can happen during this practice.
Developing containment, which is the capacity to keep grounded, even when there is a lot of intensity around. And in intimacy, especially when you are starting to go deeper into tantric practices, this is literally an extremely powerf powerful technology for healing in many levels, physically, emotionally, energetically, mentally.
intensity can happen, and it’s only through this exercise that you are going to be able to learn how to co-regulate. It is practice, it takes practice. But as I said, no not only in the bedroom, but in life.
CeeJay (22:29)
Mm, mm.
Rita (22:30)
When we talk about sexual energy, this is life force energy. This is energy of creation. The relationship that you have with this energy sexually.
CeeJay (22:42)
Mm.
Rita (22:42)
will unavoidably be reflected in many other areas of her life.
CeeJay (22:47)
Hm. Yeah, of course.
When a couple keeps having the same fight about sex or closeness, what is the nervous system usually protecting?
Rita (23:01)
These parts of themselves that they consider unlovable, that they are rejecting, that they are afraid to show the arguments in communication, they always come when one is focusing the attention of what you should do, what I would like you to be.
How I would like you to behave, and then the other part feels consciously or unconsciously attacked, starts to respond, and the whole conversation happens from this reacted wounded child place. When people start to be capable to communicate truly and vulnerably.
Expressing how they feel about a certain situation, how a certain situation truly made them feel, also not victimizing themselves, but allowing themselves to be seen. Automatically, this changes the quality of the exchange, and majority of the times, the other part, and there are communication techniques that it
Teach to my my couple clients about this. And usually the other part feels safe to start communicating also how they felt, not only how they would like things necessarily to have happened. And from this place is when a relationship steps from what I call the level two to the level three.
Which is when both individuals are willing to do this inner journey, this inner process, they understand each other’s triggers very well. They stop pushing the buttons. intentionally, of course, sometimes things are gonna happen, but they are devolted to their relationship almost as if their relationship was a third party.
That they choose to prioritize. And they start understanding the container of the relationship as the main laboratory for personal evolution, really, you know, seeing each other as a mirror, starting to relate from a really mature place, and from this place.
Sexuality completely changes from a erotic gratification, sexual gratification practice, and becomes a devotional practice, one of the main pillars of their relationship, something that they are committed to, and also, as I said, a practice, a technology that not only brings healing but consciousness expansion.
Much more than that. So yeah, the the arguments they come from this place of wanting to be understood but being afraid of speaking everything and and bringing the relationship to an end.
CeeJay (26:45)
So this work really does deepen the connection between couples and offers them even stronger emotional and spiritual glue to
Bring a bring a better relationship, really.
Rita (27:06)
100% CJ. I usually majority of the relationships that end, they end in this stage. So just so you understand, the stage one of relationship and sex is that initial super full of desire part of the relationship, the passion. When
CeeJay (27:30)
Mm.
Rita (27:32)
usually unconsciously, both parties.
Spend a lot of energy just showing what they understand is nice, is celebrated by others, and hiding the parts that are not so good. And we also only see the good parts in the other person, and vice versa. So there is a lot of desire, a lot of sex. Sex can be intense, but intensity is different than depth.
Sex can be intense and good. It can be really good sex, but it has a level of superficiality per se. Then usually couples drop to the level two, which is when intimacy makes us to start feeling more relaxed. There is less energy being spent in trying to be perfect.
The shadow parts start to emerge. It’s when you start listening. you’re not the same person anymore. Or this this person is not who I thought they were. They are completely different. Desire
CeeJay (28:52)
Mm.
Rita (28:53)
starts to drop. Polarity starts to drop because admiration starts to diminish. Sex starts to become an issue.
And sometimes it happens that one part is on level two and the other part is on level one. It can happen as well, but usually both parts step into level two. And this is where a lot of the relationships end. And they can end with people separating or deciding to stay together because you know of kids.
financial issues involved with separation,
CeeJay (29:36)
Mm.
Rita (29:37)
accommodation with friends and all of that, but they are not together, really together anymore. And the only way to dropping into this third stage is when both partners are ready to start doing this work. First of all, within themselves.
Then understanding how these individual dynamics play up in their relationship, committing to change, and really starting to understand sex and sexuality and even intimacy practices, let’s say a weekend a week that was extremely stressful and
Just making sure that they put aside some time to be together and present, you know, really devolted to that. I usually say when couples get it and start operating in this third level, they will only break up if you know in a few years both of them say, you know what?
We had this amazing story together, maybe now it’s time for us to open our horizons and go and meet somebody else. But it’s not from a place of conflict anymore.
CeeJay (31:05)
Mm.
Rita (31:06)
And it’s also the place where whatever you decide to leave from that moment onwards is not gonna be replicating the same wounds because reality is if people that
and relationships on level two, full of patterns, not being able to really understand what’s going on. They can start 10 new relationships. Sooner or later the same things are gonna come back because you can change your the partner but you don’t you cannot change yourself if you don’t do the work.
CeeJay (31:41)
Exactly. Mm-hmm.
Mm. I think we’ve all experienced those patterns until we realize what we were doing.
Rita (31:52)
Yeah,
one hundred percent.
CeeJay (31:56)
You turn to somatic and tantric work after years of spiritual study and talk based work. What could the body hold that language never touched?
Rita (32:09)
Yeah, it is into change of
I I speak with a lot of my clients that have been through therapy f for a long time. They understand in a really good way all their systems.
but there is almost like a block. I I cannot move forward. And then I would go back to the nervous system.
There is a part, layer of this information that can only be accessed, not only this is not only my understanding, but my my personal experience through the body. It is interesting that a lot of holistic therapists today, even very spiritual people, they keep leaving as the body aside, sort of, you know.
Not giving it so much importance. But there is a level of intelligence that you can call things that are kept in your nervous system. that and and these things, these unresolved stuff, they are the ones who are informing the subconscious protective survival patterns in the brain. So until
There is not enough opportunity, safety, connection for that person to connect with this vessel, with this part of themselves. This layer is going to continue there to be to inform, to continue to replicate. With me, for example, my personal experience with this, I had a chronical, a chronic illness.
I had chronic UTIs. I had more than a hundred forty chronic UTIs. It was bizarre. Like the amount of antibiotics that I took in my life is out of the charts.
And I had tried everything from naturopaths, herbalists, teta healing, other types of healings, even ceremonies, semi-surgical investigation in the hospital to see if there was anything structurally wrong. And everything sort of helped in a way.
But they never healed me. They they sort of addressed their layer, but the reality is the infections were there. Just the gap between them was a little bit bigger, but they were there. And I remember when I started, I was doing tantric practices, but what we call white tantra, just individual practices for years. And then I started receiving taintric massage for a different reason.
I started receiving taintric massage because of a sexual blockage that I had. And in the third session, I had this massive emotional release where my whole body was shaking, like literally a nervous system release, my whole body shaking, tears running from my eyes, but I wasn’t necessarily crying.
A sound coming from my throat, which wasn’t it was something very particular, as if there was a flow of energy and blocking something here. Finished the session, I was a little bit out, but didn’t connect straight away. About 10 days later, I realized that I wasn’t thinking about the infections anymore.
Because for decades, every morning when I would wake up, I was afraid of first going to the toilet and feeling the burning sensation if I wasn’t already feeling while I was in bed before waking up. And I remember that that hadn’t crossed my mind at all during those 10 days. And until today, I re remember clearly I
That moment I dropped into my body and I had this knowing that that thing wasn’t gonna happen anymore. Because I I could literally physically feel that it wasn’t there and it never did. And this was many years ago. To me, I I was sure that I was gonna die from something related to that because I had had several kidney infections as well.
And I never did anything had anything anymore.
CeeJay (37:10)
Mm.
Rita (37:10)
So I know from experience the power of that and throughout these years practicing I’ve witnessed strong emotional liberations happening and yeah people just
Feeling different from a place of, for example, somebody who was always ashamed or afraid to speak their truth, very insecure women, for example, they have that strong feeling, and out of the blue they understand their patterns, which is the spoken therapy that we spoke about before.
Suddenly they can do something about it. They feel safe enough to do something about it because
CeeJay (38:06)
Yeah, that’s cool.
Rita (38:07)
they start to be more here, you know. Yeah.
CeeJay (38:14)
Hmm. Yeah, that’s walled.
Why can someone be highly self aware but still live inside the same pattern?
Rita (38:26)
I would say that it’s very connected to this last answer. having awareness of the systems is great. You know, you can own you only gain the capacity, the power to maybe change something within you when you understand how that system works. And this is true for any system, doesn’t matter if it’s
a factory or the engine of a car or a mental pattern inside of you. Right. However, understanding that doesn’t necessarily put you in a position where you feel safe to change it. Because the process of changing, the first step is awareness of what is going on. The second step is willingness to change.
As I said before, sometimes people have full awareness, but they end up understanding that they are not capable of doing this now. The protection mechanism is still necessary. They still choose to live in that pain shield that’s too strong related to that identity. They are not ready to let go of that part yet, which is also
Fine, I have to respect that. the third step is being gentle with yourself because once you gain awareness of something and you start observing yourself, it can be shocking the amount of times that start we start realizing how often that pattern was playing up in our lives. So being gentle with yourself. The fourth step.
Is deciding to take the risk. There is always a risk involved. Remember, it’s a survival mechanism. So if it’s a people pleasing, saying no. If if it’s somebody who is over controlling, controlling less and trusting. Perfectionist, allow yourself to do things in a way that is not 100%. Whatever.
Every person is gonna have a different one, right? So it involves taking the a risk, it involves stepping out of your comfort box. This takes courage. And to me, I feel the somatic work is very precious in this part of the process, very much, because it gives you that courage to make things different. You are also more charged with life force energy, with kundalini.
You are not as depleted, your mind becomes more clear as well, right? So once you take the risk once, it also involves repeating that repeated, conscious, aligned action. And that’s how you really change. You change a pattern in a brain-functional way because you are starting to feed your brain.
with a different solution for certain external environment that is not only working but it’s working even better.
CeeJay (42:03)
Mm-hmm.
Rita (42:04)
You are embodying a different way of being, the subconscious programs are not the same. This brings you freedom. Freedom for me is lives exactly between the gap of whatever situation and how you choose to respond. That’s freedom. And that’s also the real power of co-creation. Because we are creating all the time.
Consciously or unconsciously. When somebody starts to go through this process, the power that you gain of really creating the reality that you want completely changes because you are in fact changing factors within that equation. So you can finally have a different result.
But that doesn’t come without taking the risk. So yeah, a lot of the times people know exactly what their systems are, but they for some reason cannot change. Because there is always, always, 100% of the time, secondary gains involved in these patterns.
CeeJay (43:22)
Mm.
Rita (43:23)
You are all
Either validated externally, you feel that you belong, you feel that controlling everything around you gives a certain level of safety regarding any unexpected things that might happen. So it is very important as well identifying what your secondary gains are because you need
to be ready to let go of them.
CeeJay (43:59)
Okay. Let’s switch up a little. We’ll talk about male and female sexuality.
Rita (44:05)
Mm-hmm.
CeeJay (44:06)
so with men and the presenting issues that you probably would see are erectile difficulties, premature ejaculation, porn dependency, what do you usually find that’s sitting underneath those symptoms?
Rita (44:23)
Well, porn dependency is one of the reasons of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation for sure. But I’m gonna go a little bit deeper here.
For majority of men, when they start to discover that they have a penis and it feels good to touch that part of their bodies, they are corrected by their parents if the parents see, especially, you know, older generations like our generations. Now it’s a little bit different, but not necessarily always.
But there is a level of judgment, of punishment, of wrongness related to that. So what men usually do, they start masturbating purely for a release.
outcome driven, which means searching for ejaculation for that peak orgasm experience. A lot of the times, finishing as fast as possible. I have a client who told me once that the most active part of his body when he was a teenager masturbating was his ears. Listening if his mom.
Was coming to knock on the door and
CeeJay (45:55)
World.
Rita (45:56)
catch him. So coming from this place of not having the guidance or even the opportunity to connect with their penises from a place of presence. On top of this, no conversation, no guidance about sexuality or connection, but
Now more and more accessible, right? And even with conversations between males, if you are lucky enough to have a a male friend as a man, that you are gonna talk about this, the the conversations are usually v very connected to that. So there is a whole life experiencing sexuality under these conditions of
Being oriented, having ejaculation as a release, the more you watch porn, the more you rewire your pleasure, a circuit, which is also your nervous system, to feel pleasure and then especially to achieve orgasm in a certain way, to respond to pleasure in a certain way. And even
If you are imagining something, and imagination is not as bad as watching a video, but even if you are imagining something, it is your visual cortex inside of your brain that is the main part working and connecting with your arousal system. On top of this, every type of
Sexual stimulation that is mental. And in here, including fetish, and I am not saying that I am completely against people exploring their fetishes. A lot of the times, the only way of coming of transcending a fetish is through finally allowing yourself to explore it, as long as you don’t start to be consumed by it and only
Being capable of finding pleasure when you have that specific type of input. But in that situation, as well as people who watch a lot of porn, what happens is every time that you have this mental stimulation happening, it very quickly reaches a plateau. And then you need more. And then you go to different types of porn styles, and then you start watching to
some different things, right? This is super super common. You don’t keep watching always the same. You your mind will want to search for new type of stimuli because that initial one is not gonna trigger the same response anymore. Right? And so that’s one of the factors nowadays
Extremely related to premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. But not only that. There are also other factors such as premature ejaculation. There is not a single case of premature ejaculation that I have treated that didn’t have anxiety involved. They’re always anxious men.
Always men that are extremely concerned about pleasing their partners, very a lot of difficulty coming out from this hypermental stimulation. They say that it’s oversensitivity on the penis when no, it’s actually lack of sensitivity in the rest of their bodies.
CeeJay (50:18)
Yeah, right. Hmm.
Rita (50:20)
And so the way out involves understanding these parts of themselves that are not necessarily only connected to sexuality as well as changing their masturbation habits, right? starting to teach, I start to teach them how to.
Consciously feel their bodies for the first time, really, and also use tools of breath and sound to start moving this energy that is usually only concentrated here in the lower part of the pelvis. And when it reaches its full capacity, it wants to pop, which is ejaculation, which is when the whole
Pelvis, the hip muscles start to tense up, leading to ejaculation, which is literally throwing that energy out. So I teach them how to start moving this energy through the whole body, reactivating the whole body, as well as sexual techniques of what you are gonna do along the way during love making that is going to start supporting you to.
To move this energy on the manch.
And through this process as well, especially the masturbation, the self-pleasure part of the process, teaching them how to start observing the signs of their bodies, because their bodies are gonna have certain things happening when they are not at the point of no return, which I call, but a little bit before. And the more embodied, the more aware of that.
you start being, the more capacity you gain to using your tools.
With erectile dysfunction,
if it’s not related to anything physiological,
CeeJay (52:39)
Yeah.
Rita (52:40)
of course, or medication that can influence, majority of the times it’s related to self-empowerment.
Really the capacity of connecting with their masculine energy. And one hundred percent if it’s happening within a relationship, it’s usually when the couples have the polarities inverted for some reason. Where the woman ended up assuming leadership.
And the more masculine qualities within the couple, and the man ended up feeling disempowered. So that’s very, very much related to erectile dysfunction.
CeeJay (53:38)
Yeah, yeah.
Rita (53:40)
If it’s happening for a long time, sometimes the muscles on the pelvic floor can be weak.
And then I also have a program of strengthening those muscles through specific types of exercises because the penis is not a muscle, right? But there is a lot of muscles around it. So just like your biceps, the more you train, the more you start improving blood flow to that area, and this definitely supports a better erection. But both of them.
Erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and even delayed ejaculation as well. Men who cannot ejaculate are very all of them connected to the incapacity to be present in their bodies.
It’s always one of the layers.
CeeJay (54:49)
Mm. Most men have never been taught the difference between orgasm and ejaculation. What does that distinction matter here?
Rita (55:00)
So in reality, orgasm and ejaculation are two separate things. They even happen in different parts of the brain, right? But because majority of men haven’t not even been delivered this information, it also always happens together. So the process to start separating.
These two phenomena, per se, is through learning how, as I explained it before, to move energy through the whole body, start charging, learning how to charge the whole body, the whole system with sexual energy, and also learning how to relax because educatory orgasm.
As well as clitoral, simply clitoral orgasm for a woman, if you look at the structure, the internal structure of a penis and a clitoris, they are extremely similar. They come from the same physiological structure. So these two types of orgasms, they
Throw energy out. They throw a lot of energy out. For women, not so much because women naturally operate a little bit differently. But yeah, from all the available orgasms for women, clitoral is the one that throws more energy out. So for a man, it’s through this process of learning how to identify to fluctuate in this.
I even have an image here. Can I show a graphic here on the screen?
CeeJay (56:50)
Yeah, sure.
Rita (56:51)
It’s my sign. I don’t know if it’s see this. So this is what happens in a normal ejaculation, right? There is a peak, energy is thrown out, a drastic drop, refractory period, which is the time in between.
Until you can have another erection, second peak is usually never as high and so forth. So with taintric practices, once you are in this yellow zone, which is when you have a lot of sexual energy in your body, but you are not past the point of no return, you know the signals of your body and you relax. It’s super important that you relax and you breathe.
And then the energy spreads through your body, and then you start rising again, you reach a new almost peak, you relax, it starts rising again, and so forth. Until eventually, and this is very particular for some men. This is available in the very first session. For other men, they need more practice. It depends a lot on a lot of factors, but
Ultimately, it is available if you train, if you want to learn, it is available for everybody. What happens is eventually, in one of these moments, when you are reaching an almost peak and you relax, without effort, without squeezing the muscles, without pushing towards that peak experience, the body will naturally jump and you are gonna feel.
It’s a full body orgasm. This is one type. It’s an energetic full-body orgasm. Then can be very long, very intense. Because you are not throwing energy out, it can be very much back to back. You can have several of them. And you can really decide if you even want to ejaculate or not. And if you do, after practicing this, you are not going to be, you are not going.
To be throwing all the energy out is only a part of it per se. and there is also other types of orgasms available for me, for example, prostate orgasm, which is stronger, always stronger than pinile orgasm. It is a different bunch of nerves that connects to the penis and connects to the prostate.
The nerves that connect to the prostate they come directly from the vulgous nerve, which is the main nerve trunk from the nervous system. And there is also a nerve that is directly connect that directly connects the prostate and the pineal gland. So usually prostate orgasms they are extremely powerful, experiences full body.
They have these mystic, you know, visual sometimes aspects to them as well. And they can also be back to back, because they throw energy in, not out. So
CeeJay (1:00:22)
Yeah.
Rita (1:00:22)
the ejaculatory orgasm, and I am not saying that ejaculation is is not good, it’s not about that, but
Even if you decide to have an ejaculatory orgasm when you know how to do these energy moving practices and you have one ejaculatory orgasm, you’re gonna understand what what it is. It’s not that sneeze type of orgasm that I call, you know, just you sit and you masturbate for I don’t know, five, ten minutes, whatever it is, and and you ejaculate, which is super superficial and and shallow.
But yeah, it is possible, it is possible to separate. It is possible to learn how to orgasm also from other parts of your body, not only the penis or the prostate. Because the reality is any part of the the body that can give you pain also holds the capacity to give you an orgasm because it’s the orgasm is a brain event. Not talking about the
energetic systems involved, but physiological it physiologically it comes from the brain. So yeah, I’ve witnessed that happening. Doesn’t matter from the nose, the pinky, the whatever it is, it’s very possible.
CeeJay (1:01:46)
Mm.
Wild. Let’s talk about female sexuality. So for many women, the struggle is pain with penetration and then difficulty reaching orgasm or numbness. Why is this so often not a technique?
Rita (1:02:05)
I would say that there are a few layers involved in that. Doesn’t necessarily have to be connected with sexual trauma, direct sexual trauma, but a lot of the times upbringings that are, you know, that involve a lot of shame.
A lot of judgment towards feminine archetypes that are sensual, embodied, more expressive. yeah, religious beliefs are a very, very common part of this as well. And for example, this upbringing that is a lot related with shame.
Things like that. A lot of women understand that in order to be a good woman, a woman who is going to be a good one to be married with, for example, they need to behave in a certain way. yeah, so all those layers they play a massive role in sexuality because they completely
disconnect women from their from allowing themselves to fully experience themselves for everything that they are. And reality is women have way way more capacity to feel pleasure than men. They are extremely sexual beings. This story that
women are not sexual, women don’t have as much desire as men, is a whole construction that women are replicating because in their minds they understand that as truth. It’s not, it’s really not, but there is so much fear of being judged, first and foremost by themselves, but also.
By their family or circle of friends or society when they truly embody sensuality, not as as a tool for seduction or manipulation, but as a celebration, an expression of their femininity, their beauty, you know, the movements, the dance, all of that. to me, it is impossible for a woman to
Fully reconnect with their sexuality if they are not ready to let go of these stories of the good girl, the good woman, the valuable woman, etc. Because it’s it’s deeply for thousands of years connected to that. So that’s definitely a layer.
There is also the the same thing with men. they don’t know how to touch themselves. You know, the whole masturbation practice is also goal-oriented, is also a lot of the times nowadays connected to vibrators, which is something that can literally break the very fine nerves in that area, especially in the clitoris, right?
CeeJay (1:05:42)
Mm.
Rita (1:05:44)
And there is also, this is very, very common, the situation that majority of the times, especially when there is numbness or pain with penetration, women are penetrated way too soon.
And this is not only responsibility of the male patterns. The reality is even the women themsel themselves, they don’t actually know and understand when their bodies, when their yonis are truly open. Because there isn’t this level of fine attunement with themselves. And this when I say ready for penetration, this is not necessarily connected only to lubrication.
This is not necessarily connected only with arousal and engorgement, but there is this extremely important layer which is the energetic openness. And you can feel it when I am giving yoni massage. Only when I place, only by placing my hand, it’s almost like you feel this suction energy. And it’s when the yoni is really inviting.
To be penetrated. And that only happens, of course, when there is a lot of blood flow, a lot of engorgement, when there is a lot of lubrication. But above everything, when there is safety, when women feel seen, when they feel held, when they don’t feel that their partners, male or female,
Are wanting to get anything from them. This is something that I feel so deeply. You know, a lot of the times you have a a woman can have a partner that the partner loves to please them. But there is this two-way energetic dynamic when the man is getting a lot of pleasure from that as well.
Or wanting to take that woman to an orgasm or something in order to receive the thumbs up seal of approval of a good lover, right? That is not good. That is really not good. So I have a lot of female clients that come to me complaining about pain and numbness. And then for the first time.
They are penetrated with this level of awareness and attunement. And they are like, my God, I never felt, I never felt my vagina like that. That is amazing. And they have internal orgasms, and that’s like, wow. So I would say that it’s a combination of everything. So it there is a skill layer for sure.
But it’s more than that. And as I said, the woman needs to be ready to let go of this conditioning of you know they need to be ready to embody the the wild, the sensual archetype. Otherwise it’s it’s not gonna be fully healed.
CeeJay (1:09:17)
What have you witnessed when a woman is no longer managing her body and is finally inhabiting it?
Rita (1:09:26)
amazing and it’s not only reflected in these and starting to opening up their sexual potential opening up the the the potential and the experience of having 20 minutes 40 minutes whatever you want orgasms but how the the
Beauty, I think one of the most powerful things is starting to witness how this reflects in their lives, how they feel finally courageous to say to claim what they want and to say their no’s, to even start identifying what they came here really to do or.
Who are the people that I they want to relate to? How do they want to treat themselves? How do they how they choose the clothes and everything that they want to wear? It’s powerful. Women are creators. And as I said, the capacity that women have for sexuality is out of the charts. And the healing that these can bring to
Them and ancestrally is as well. Usually, when I am having really powerful sessions with women, I verbalize, let’s consciously become an antenna of this frequency, of this energy, of this permission to the whole planet for the women who are ready to receive these in all.
plant a seed in their hearts and and start embodying these and this is this is an empowerment that comes from
really reconnecting with their femininity, not becoming more empowered by becoming more like men.
CeeJay (1:11:43)
Love to hear that.
Rita (1:11:47)
It is an empowerment that comes from reconnecting with the strength in softening, in receiving, in flowing, in connecting intuitively with what is not easy to be seen, with beauty, with creativity, with yeah, art.
Yeah, all of that.
And sexual
CeeJay (1:12:16)
Mm-hmm.
Rita (1:12:17)
abuse stops, you know. The the the only reason why sexual abuse exists in our planet is because there is no connection between the heart and the sex. The only reason the amount of people, especially men that I work with that have been sexual abused is bizarre, including myself.
And I know that the only way of bringing this pendulum to a neutral position
is through love, but love in a sense of
Understanding being capable to forgive your abuser. Understanding that that was also a reaction from a past abuse, you know, it’s the only way of ending the cycle. And I know I don’t tell this to everybody that a lot, if not to say pretty much all of the people who are abused.
We were abusers as well, I r I remember a whole past life of mine where I abused women. So we keep alternating until we decide to stop through compassion.
CeeJay (1:13:45)
Excellent. I love that. Thank you.
Rita (1:13:47)
Thank you, Chris. Thank
you so much.
CeeJay (1:13:51)
I think that’s
Rita (1:13:51)
Yeah.
CeeJay (1:13:51)
a great place to end this episode and
Allow people to have the space to contemplate on everything that you’ve shared today. Thank you so much for coming back and answering all the questions now.
Rita (1:14:08)
my immense immense pleasure, CJ. Thank you for the opportunity, really.
CeeJay (1:14:13)
Yeah.
Yeah. I I think this episode actually adds to that level of personal permission to explore the self in an open way. And I thank you for that. That’s that’s that’s that was
Rita (1:14:28)
My pleasure and honor.
CeeJay (1:14:34)
We just finished recording now and that was probably one of the best, best talks I’ve heard on tantra and tantric sex and how being conscious in your body liberates you on every single level. If you’ve liked today’s show, reach out to Rita at the website and the details all in the show notes down below. And if you’ve liked it,
Enjoy this episode or you think somebody could really enjoy it and learn something from it themselves. both episodes, number one, number two, share it to them, please. I’d really appreciate that. And thank you so much. And if you’re on YouTube, like and subscribe, you know what to do. Press the bell and share it and all the things. And if you’re on a podcast app, share it to a friend. That’d be nice too. Or give me five stars and say something nice. I’d love that too. Thank you so much until
Next episode, you might enjoy these. If you’re on YouTube, if you’re listening, look out for the next one. Thank you.
