Childhood trauma significantly impacts adult relationships. Relationship coach Riana Milne, a certified mindfulness coach and best-selling author, shares her profound insights on this crucial connection. Her work focuses on trauma recovery, helping individuals understand unconscious behavioral patterns and break free from relationship repetition syndrome. This interview delves into the top 10 childhood traumas identified by Riana, highlighting how these experiences can lead to attracting toxic partners and struggling to build lasting, healthy connections. Keywords: childhood trauma, relationship coach, mindfulness, toxic relationships, emotional abuse, narcissistic relationships, healing, self-esteem, mindset, spirituality, trauma recovery, intimacy, conscious choices, relationships, love, mental health, wellbeing, coaching, Riana Milne.
Riana’s extensive experience working with diverse populations, including those in the prison system, informs her unique approach. She emphasizes the importance of mindset, spirituality, and conscious choices in creating healthy relationships. The interview explores the top 10 traumas, including alcohol/drug issues in the family, parental infidelity, neglect, foster care, personal trauma (bullying, discrimination), sibling rivalry, community trauma (COVID, natural disasters), and family trauma (incarceration, military family moves). These experiences, often unrecognized as trauma, significantly shape our adult relationships. Riana explains how these traumas manifest in adulthood, leading to patterns of attracting toxic partners and repeating unhealthy relationship dynamics.
The interview also delves into Riana’s “Mindset for Success” system, a rainbow-like approach that helps clients identify and address the root causes of their relationship struggles. She explains how childhood experiences, such as striving for peace in a volatile home, can lead to unconscious patterns in adult relationships. Riana highlights the impact of trauma on brain development, explaining how high cortisol levels from stressful childhoods can affect memory and focus, often misdiagnosed as ADHD. She shares her innovative methods, including meditation and music therapy, used to help children re-regulate their body systems and improve their focus and well-being.
Riana discusses the importance of understanding unconscious behavioral patterns and breaking the “trauma wheel” – the cyclical patterns of interaction that perpetuate unhealthy relationships. She emphasizes the need for education and self-awareness to identify triggers and break free from these patterns. The interview concludes with practical advice and resources for listeners seeking to heal their past and build healthier relationships. Riana encourages listeners to take the childhood trauma checklist and red flag checklist quizzes on her website, rianamilne.com, and download her free ebook, “How to Have the Love You Deserve.” She also invites listeners to explore her podcast, “Lessons in Life and Love with Coach Riana Milne,” and her YouTube channel, filled with free audios and videos. Riana’s message is clear: healing is possible, and lasting love is attainable with self-awareness, conscious choices, and the right support.
Chapters List:
00:03 Introduction to Riana Milne and Her Expertise
05:00 Unveiling the Top 10 Childhood Traumas
15:09 Riana’s Mindset for Success System
16:17 How Mindset Impacts Relationship Attraction
23:34 Navigating Emotional Abuse and Narcissistic Relationships
29:44 The Impact of Trauma on Children’s Brain Development
33:53 Working with Diverse Populations: Lessons from the Prison System
37:00 Key Psychological Characteristics for Lasting Relationships
40:50 Unconscious Behavioral Patterns and Relationship Wounds
47:01 Learn More About Riana’s Programs and Resources
Transcript
CeeJay Barnaby (00:03)
Today on Super Normalize, we have Riana Milne. She’s a global certified life dating and relationship coach, certified mindfulness coach, educational speech speaker, and number one best sling author. Riana is a powerhouse woman in all the work that she’s done ⁓ through psychology and assisting people with their understanding of their trauma ⁓ and doing shadow work to assist them to. ⁓
recover what’s necessary to be a fuller and more whole being, which then can successfully behave in a relationship, hold good relationships and have a good life. So this is a really deep interview on her process and understanding childhood trauma, inner child healing and more. Watch all the way to the end. She’s got some really good tips on how to actually process these things.
but also a greater understanding of how all of that works inside of us. So please enjoy the show.
Welcome to super normalized Riana Milne. Riana, it’s a pleasure to have you on the show. You’re a power woman that actually assists people in finding their way in life. Do you have a story to tell?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (01:43)
Yeah.
Hi, GCJ. So nice to be here. Thanks for having me.
CeeJay Barnaby (01:46)
Hey.
Yeah. So what inspired you initially to pursue counseling and specialize specifically in childhood and love trauma recovery?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (01:57)
Well, it’s kind of a long journey that takes me back to age 16, where my very best childhood friend was killed by a drunk driver. And I had asked my mom if I could go to counseling to handle the grief. And she said, no one in this family will ever go to counseling. So I said, then I will grow up to become one. So that was, mm, decision right then and there, because that was a childhood trauma for me.
Then my best friend and college roommate of three years was murdered by her boyfriend. So those two losses for me to give back in their name and their memory, I became a counselor helping people through love trauma. She was murdered by her boyfriend. And then I became also a drug and alcohol counselor, not because me or family had issues. It’s because people needed help in that area. And I did it in the spirit of Michael.
So that’s how my journey started. I didn’t get to go back for my master’s in psychology until I raised my daughters. So I went back at age 37, graduated at 40, and opened up therapy by the sea in year 2000. So I’d been doing therapist work for close to 26 years. And then in 2009 and 10, I became certified as a coach for singles and couples.
And then after a love trauma that I experienced in 2011, where my partner said to me, I don’t know why I ruined everything I love. And I said, I don’t know either, because it was certainly nothing I studied. And I was a great student with a triple master’s. And I’m like, what does he have? And I went to seven therapist friends. Nobody could figure it out. And that’s really what sent me into the deep psychological journals to put the puzzle pieces together.
Why was I choosing partners such as this? And why would people do these types of self-sabotaging behaviors unconsciously when consciously they don’t want to? So it really became clear to me that childhood traumas impact you as an adult in life, love, and business, which we in adults call love trauma. So I found a fascinating work. I wrote my two number one bestselling books.
Live Beyond Your Dreams from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success. Then Love Beyond Your Dreams, Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve. So those were the core books. When love got up to 400 pages on there, I have to stop. And then I wrote notebooks, one for singles, one for couples. And then I had my curriculum and came out as a coach and started talking about childhood and love trauma in year 2015.
with the research that I had uncovered and at that point I started coaching.
CeeJay Barnaby (04:48)
What common patterns did you discover in a lot of people when it comes to ⁓ early childhood trauma and how it influences ineffective relationships?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (05:00)
Okay, well, maybe we start back at the beginning, what is childhood trauma? Because most people when they hear that say, well, I didn’t have trauma. But the facts are in 2021, 100 % of us do have some of the top 10 traumas that I uncovered. In 2012, when I created the childhood trauma checklist, 90 % of the people I interviewed said they had some of those on the list.
CeeJay Barnaby (05:05)
Yes.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (05:26)
And then the joke around that was 10 % are narcissists and nothing’s wrong with them. It’s everybody else has trouble, right? So, but 2021, they said 100 % of us have some traumas. So the list is really easy to understand. And it’s about your childhood experiences, whether it’s at home, at school, with a community coach, something that happened as you were moving, it could be anything, right?
So in 2021, I believe the numbers really went up because all of us experienced trauma around COVID. So whether there was job loss or kids had to stay home from school and couldn’t be going to school with their peers or, you know, people lost jobs and the fears around COVID, that is what we call a community trauma. But let me go back and start with what are the top 10 traumas.
And these were all found with the varied work that I did as a therapist through the years. So not only did I have a private practice, but I worked in the schools with kids all the way from kindergarten through college and also served as a school psychologist at one point. I worked in a mental health ward with kids ages five through 19 for a hospital group in South Jersey. I worked in drug and alcohol facilities, one for teens and one for women from the prison system.
and other jobs, but I had found through all these diverse populations in different ages, male, female, straight, LGBTQ, it didn’t matter, these top 10 traumas kept coming up that led to the issues that ended them up where they were. So this is where my childhood trauma checklist was devised. So the first one is if there was any alcohol, drug issues, or addiction in the family.
Being that I’m an addictions counselor too, I named 12 of them. So it’s not only drugs and alcohol, but there’s sex. So knowing that your parent had a lover on the side, a sex addiction, ⁓ porn use, gambling, hoarding, spending, eating, gaming, TV watching, alcoholism, social media addiction. So these are just a few of the addictions if they took place over time with your child that could have gotten in the way.
Number two is verbal messaging. So what messages did you hear as a child? Did you hear, love you, I’m proud of you, good job kiddo, even if you didn’t win? Or did you hear, well, you didn’t do very good, you could have done this better, that better, you don’t measure up to so and so? These are verbal put down messages. Also under this category, how did your parents work through an issue? Did they yell and scream at each other? Or were they kind and work through?
and solve the problems. So the verbal messaging is very important in many ways as an adult. You’ll see how that comes into play. Number three is emotional abuse and neglect. Number four is any physical abuse, rape or molestation. Number five is around abandonment. And there’s two types, fault and no fault. So a no fault abandonment example would be if your parent died early or if your parent was deployed for war.
had to leave the family. Or they traveled a lot for business, but that is how they supported the family. They thought they were doing a good thing. And then a fault abandonment would be never being involved in your child’s life, being involved while the couple was together. Once there’s a breakup, you barely saw the child. Or even if the parent is actively in the house, but not emotionally active with the child. They just kind of checked out. ⁓ They don’t go to their
school events, sporting games, plays, those kinds of things. So just not active with the child. Number six is if they were part of the foster care system, adopted or had to go live in another person’s home because mom and dad couldn’t keep them at their house. Even if it’s grandma or an aunt, it’s still being displaced. Number seven, a lot of people can relate to, which is personal trauma. That’s any way you felt different.
So were you bullied? Were you a chubby child and put down for that? Or a diagnosis ADHD and felt different in the school? Were you tall, skinny, and smart and called a nerd? Were you the only African American in an all Caucasian school? Did you come out gay or lesbian and your peers rejected you or your family did? All these different scenarios are examples of personal trauma. Number eight is around the sibling. Did your sibling bully you?
Or was your sibling born with a medical condition so mom and dad had to give them more time and attention? Or the one most people can identify is when the sibling was the golden child, the favored one. So maybe the star athlete, or they were more handsome or more beautiful, or the smarter student. And you could just tell they were getting more love from mom and dad. Trauma nine has two parts. The first part is number 11 that I had to move down, which is community trauma.
And again, that’s anything that impacts the community at large, like COVID or our mother nature events like floods, fires, hurricanes, tornadoes, wipes out communities. Of course, that impacts the family. So family trauma was always number nine. ⁓ But that also includes if you grew up in a dangerous neighborhood or if your family suffered with poverty or you’re always struggling to make ends meet. ⁓ If one of your parents was incarcerated.
or you are part of a military family, like here in the US, our military families move every two to four years, making that child a new kid in the school. And that’s very hard on a new child ⁓ in the schools. And then number 10 is any mental health issues in mom and dad. Now, if you’re part of my generation, which was the baby boomer generation, we didn’t really see our parents go to counseling, so you kind of have to guess.
The two hardest for the kids to go through is if your parents had borderline personality disorder or bipolar. So bipolar is manic depressive. Manic phase could be a high and happy phase, like going out and buying four purses and spending $3,000. But then depression comes when you can’t meet the bills and you’re struggling for three or four months, freaking out because you don’t have the money to pay for it. That’s a manic depressive phase.
borderline personality I describe as people when they’re good they’re great but when they’re bad they’re horrid and the child never knows what they’re going to get. It’s like a child always anxious walking on eggshells and these parents can explode at the littlest things that nobody else would get upset over. So those are the top 10 traumas that I describe.
CeeJay Barnaby (12:26)
Mm.
Yeah, so with those traumas, would you say that they become like an event in time which is not resolved with clarity and so because of that we learn a behavior or a way to react or act in the world which is ineffective?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (12:46)
Yes, absolutely. As children, we come up with these childhood type coping mechanisms, right? So if your parents were yellers, and let’s say you tried once to defend yourself and you got smacked across the face and told, shut up, we don’t care what you have to say, you learned as a child, I better shut up and say nothing, or I’m going to be in more trouble. So as an adult, they have passive aggressive behavior, they get quiet.
Sometimes they don’t talk to their partner for hours or days if there’s a fight. And in that way, they’re punishing them. They feel a sense of power over that because this was never solved. They never learned empowering communication to talk about issues of their feelings. They were told what you have to say doesn’t matter. So there’s anger behind that and there’s fear behind that. So that’s one way that can come out. ⁓ If a partner is very jealous and controlling,
That’s usually verbal messages of you’re not good enough. And trauma seven of let’s say you’re a male and you’re a petite male in high school and you had a couple crushes on girls. like, ew, I don’t want to date you. You know, these kind of put downs where people can be mean in high school and middle school and you didn’t feel good enough. So as a man, you’re jealous and controlling thinking you’re going to lose your partner because subconsciously that wasn’t taken care of.
The healing didn’t happen around that trauma. If there was ⁓ an angry parent in the house, let’s say an alcoholic mother, and the oldest sibling was a girl, she might get up, get all the kids dressed for school, make their lunches, get into the school bus, so mom isn’t yelling, because she has a hangover that day. And instead she hears, thanks, hun, for taking care of all of that, becoming the mini-parent.
And she learns, if I do all these things to please this difficult person, I’ll be loved. And that showed up when I had a couple come to me for coaching and the woman says, I do everything for my husband and my kids and they do nothing for me. You know, I do this to show them I love them. And the husband said, well, I don’t ask you to do all those things. If you didn’t do it, I would do it for myself. So.
Her boundaries were real stretched, right? Because this is what she learned, this is what love is. So unfortunately, they normalize these patterns and they don’t break them or see them as anything wrong until the relationships keep failing and falling apart. There’s many more combinations of this, like at least 24, perfectionism, ⁓ impulse, if you’re a high impulse person.
CeeJay Barnaby (15:09)
Mm.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (15:32)
These are the people that tend to cheat in a marriage or an example of the guy going out and saying, want that shiny red Corvette sports car. We may not have the money, but we’ll make do. And I don’t care what my wife has to say. That’s an impulse buy. And everyone’s relationships because they want what they want and they want it now. And that can be on that borderline of narcissistic tendencies where it’s only about them.
but they might have grown up in an impoverished way, worked hard, know, got a decent position, and now he wants what he wants. So there’s all these different combinations of how this can show up in many different ways. Those are just a few of them.
CeeJay Barnaby (16:17)
Can you explain how your mindset for success system helps clients attract healthy relationships?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (16:20)
Yeah.
Sure. Well, when someone works with me, I describe it like a rainbow. They’re coming to me, they don’t understand why they’re attracting toxic partners, why they can’t make their relationships work. I have many people successful in business but struggle in love and they’re like, why can I be successful here but I can’t get love right? And it’s very frustrating. And the answer to that question is, let me give that example then I’ll answer your other question, is that
Let’s say a young girl has a very toxic, volatile home because of the alcoholism. She goes to school and she learns, if I work hard and get grades, at least I’ll keep peace and they’ll be happy I get A’s on my report cards. But at the same time, they’re getting love and alcholades from their teachers. So they learn that learning is fun and getting grades in school feels good. So they become successful because they develop a work ethic.
So they got that part down. Then when it comes to love, they never healed the original love trauma that went on with their parents. Right? So that can occur. So everybody has a different puzzle when they come to me, but they’re all at that part of frustration. So there’s many skills they have to learn. The first is trauma recovery skills. And as they learn to process their trauma and heal from that, then they go on to learn mindset for success skills. ⁓
All of this is trademarked and there’s a certain reason this is done in a certain order because we have to put out the fires first. So let’s say there’s a woman with a child in a very volatile, abusive relationship. My number one concern is safety for her and the child. What do we have to do to put out those fires? What do we have to do to get her safe? What do we have to do to get her smarter and be empowered enough to call the police? know, things like that, handling the most pressing things first.
then healing the trauma and learning empowered communication and then doing mindset. So it’s this huge learning curve getting up to the rainbow and once they’ve got that and they practice it and they know it and they learned it and they’ve got it where the conscious mind has now overtaken taken those subconscious normalized patterns that don’t serve them they’re all gone and they have new behaviors and new patterns that are serving them and making them
feel more confident, more successful. And at the end of our journey together with coaching, there is the pot of gold at the end where they feel amazing and they never go backwards because now they have these skills and they’re ingrained and they’re learned. So I can teach one lesson on the show about mindset work. The research shows eight out of 10 people have eight out of 10 negative thoughts. Many of them have
negative ruminating thoughts. If they had a bad breakup, how can I get my guy back? What could I have done different? Does he still love me? You know, these thoughts over and over, we call them ruminating thoughts. And many people stay stuck in their negativity, which we call the dark side. Okay, so we are always striving to live in the light. And the visual I have for that is the yin-yang symbol, right, from Buddhism.
So if you’re living in the light, it’s a white paisley with a black dot. If you’re living in the dark side, it’s a dark paisley with a white dot. So what does this represent? On the dark side, this is where negative mindset is and fear-based thinking. Anything that’s dark that makes you feel bad. It’s depression, anxiety, addiction, murder, rape, ⁓ anger, jealousy, control. Anything that’s dark that makes you unhappy. Okay, that’s the dark side.
The little white dot reminds you at any time you can go through this and come into the light and live in a whole different way. In the light, what’s there? Happiness, joy, ⁓ doing work that you love, having purpose in life, friendships, emotionally healthy love, spirituality, anything that makes you feel good and happy and joyful is living in the light.
The black dot reminds us that this is the Earth School and at any time we can be challenged. But how do you deal with the challenge? And that’s where having mindset makes all the difference. So here’s an example. During COVID here in America, we were told for 30 days, you got to stay inside. And people here were just freaking out. No, that can’t happen. My kids are going to be here. I can’t go to work. I can’t earn money. How are we going to get food? It was like this mass mess.
My first thought is, wow, I have four weekends where I don’t have to leave the house. What can I do that I really wanted to get done and needed more time? So I wrote two books of that month, Anxiety Free Living and Loving and Happiness Beyond Your Dreams. So I wrote two 100 page books. you know, we go right away to, hmm, what can I do? Okay, so let me describe the differences of how people think.
CeeJay Barnaby (21:14)
Whoa.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (21:30)
So living in the light we are very proactive. We take action when we are challenged. In the dark side they are reactive. They have that victim mentality, why me? ⁓ no, know, panic, fear, negativity. When you’re living in the light you’re very conscious. You make conscious choices about everything. What you do, what you say, what you write, what you text is for the good of all. We’re always thinking in a conscious way.
Living in the dark side is unconscious reactions and just acting without wondering, this going to hurt anybody else? In the light, we’re educated with mindset tools. We’re using them all the time. In the dark side, they have no idea what mindset is. don’t practice it. They don’t think about their goals when they wake up for the day. They just kind of are on remote. In the living in the light, we have positive love-based thoughts about ourselves and others, our partners, our friends.
We are usually always going with that universal love concept for all. In the dark side, they mostly have negative fear-based thoughts, low trust, high anxiety, bouts of depression. When something happens, our first thought is, what can I do? We seek the answers. And then the dark side is, I can’t do it mentality. It won’t work for me. And it works for other people, but I can’t do it. You know, it’s always…
that deflated, not believing in yourself kind of negative thoughts. In the light we have hope, spiritual faith and trust. In the dark side that’s where anxiety and depression lie. And then in the light we always say yes to new opportunities so we keep growing and learning. So life is exciting and we’re always doing better for ourselves. And in the dark side they often say no, they feel stuck, low self-esteem, they’re afraid to move forward.
So when I get someone with the dark side mentality, this is all the work that I’m working on to bring them into the light.
CeeJay Barnaby (23:34)
Makes complete sense. What are some, that is a lot, but I’m getting my head around it exactly as you’re saying to the same time. to me that balance ⁓ is also a point of co-creation with your own personal universe. you know, what you put in is what you get out really. Yeah, yeah. What are common misconceptions about, ⁓ some people have about.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (23:38)
That’s a lot.
Yes. That’s right. Yes.
CeeJay Barnaby (24:02)
emotional abuse or narcissistic relationships.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (24:06)
Okay, ⁓ two different things. There’s all kinds of abuses out there. Emotional, verbal, physical, financial. ⁓ So there’s all kinds of ways that people abuse and manipulate, right? A narcissist actually on the childhood trauma checklist usually has nine or ten of the traumas with severity levels of nine or ten. Nobody’s born a narcissist.
So unfortunately these people have had usually a very rough childhood and they’ve learned to become self-centered for survival. Now a sociopath is someone that uses another for pleasure, profit or lifestyle advancement and they are usually a narcissist on top of it because it’s all about them, right? The psychopath is a narcissist, sociopath and then someone who kills.
CeeJay Barnaby (24:45)
Yeah, coping strategy.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (25:05)
And this is all without remorse. So the worst is a psychopath. One step down is a sociopath and another step down from that is a narcissist. Okay, so there’s a lot of childhood psychological damage there, which is very sad. And if you’ve ever been on the side of dating a narcissist or sociopath, and there’s a lot of sociopaths amongst us. And it’s like one in seven people, or I heard one time one in five. So…
CeeJay Barnaby (25:28)
Yes.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (25:33)
You know, have to be careful if you’re single and out there dating that you really know what you’re doing. ⁓ And I say there’s an art in psychology to dating successfully and there’s certain questions you want to be asking and you need to know about childhood trauma. You know, and yes we can have compassion for these people but it doesn’t mean we have to date them. Right? So there are red flags early on. You have to know what the red flags are.
CeeJay Barnaby (25:53)
Exactly.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (25:59)
and what are you seeing early on? And there’s questions you should be asking on date one and two. Now all this information is in my Love Beyond Your Dreams book. So there are the 24 questions that are listed that you should ask that will give you some insight of how emotionally healthy is this person? And that’s what you’re trying to find out. We don’t date our group, my coaching clients do not date based on chemistry.
because all the research shows you pick someone out with chemistry. What happens is the mindset likes what it knows. Okay, so it keeps taking you back to your past. And we have to do really more emotional intelligence when we’re dating and date what we call with intention and date consciously. Yeah, so.
CeeJay Barnaby (26:35)
you
Mm.
Exactly. And the
other point with that too is even with having that list of red flags and asking those questions, you have to be conscious enough to know that when you see that red flag, you don’t push it over and go, oh no, that’s okay. You know what I mean?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (27:02)
Right, or it would have been
better if I married now. No, it gets worse. The cycle of abuse always gets worse. So you have to see it early on and have that self-esteem and self-love to move forward and say, I’m sorry, I don’t think we’re quite a match. And you release them in love and move forward. But that’s why you have to know these questions to ask on date one, two, and at the latest three. And if you’re really interested, then do a background check.
CeeJay Barnaby (27:08)
truth.
Let’s see.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (27:29)
after date three, you have to really know who you’re dating. The huge mistake that a lot of people make, especially women, is they’re getting intimate on dates one through three. It’s like, what are you doing? Why would you be sexual with someone when you don’t really even know who they are and if they’re right for you? And that’s someone with low self-esteem who’s using sex to get love. That is another result of unhealed childhood trauma.
So there’s seven different life areas that unhealed trauma actually hits. you know, not only that type of behavioral issues, know, poor self-esteem and risk taking behaviors, sexually acting out, but there’s also mental health, people that have depression, anxiety, that’s originally all from childhood trauma. And the big pharma wants to give you a pill and say, here you go, mask the symptoms, but they never deal with the original problem.
which is coming from childhood experiences, right? The negative self-esteem and then the relationship issues like being too codependent or not being able to attach due to fear and low trust, ⁓ difficulty making friends, you don’t know what to do, you feel paranoid, different emotional things like can’t handle your anger.
⁓ You frustrate easily or you shut down, you can’t communicate your one’s needs ⁓ and your feelings with your partner. You’re too afraid or you have shame and guilt. ⁓ It also impacts your physical health. Things like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue are all caused by trauma. Shorter lifespan, cardiovascular, ⁓ irritable bowel syndrome, these kinds of things. And then two areas for our children.
One is brain development. Now, I remember being a trauma counselor in the elementary schools and so many teachers wanted to say, kid’s ADHD. And I’m like, let me dig a little further. No, they’re coming from a traumatic home. Their cortisol is up so high from their stress of their parents yelling and screaming. When cortisol is up, memory and focus is down. So what did I do with those kids? I was like a weirdo counselor having those kids meditate in my office.
CeeJay Barnaby (29:44)
Wow.
you
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (29:50)
And then
we did music therapy and I did behavioral modification charts and got them to open up and talk about what was going on. So, you know, once I could re-regulate their body systems and get all this high anxiety lowered and get them back, they could refocus and their grades went up and they were easier to get along with. So the teachers liked them better and the kids liked them better. And they were then happier children.
CeeJay Barnaby (29:56)
Wow.
That’s fantastic.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (30:19)
So, so many kids are misdiagnosed ADHD because of the traumatic homes. And the parents aren’t going to say anything. And the kids are usually scared to death to say anything. But if you have a really great trauma counselor in the schools, which every school needs one, you know, why we were laid off? Due to money. But of course the budget had the football coach, right? And now the U.S. has so many school shootings when really they need a trauma counselor in every school.
CeeJay Barnaby (30:41)
Ugh. ⁓
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (30:48)
because there’s so many kids dealing with this. even in utero, it impacts the brain size of a child, a newborn. The mother is under a lot of stress during her pregnancy. It changes gene expression, like in DNA of the folks, we’re talking generations back now, who were in the concentration camps. Their lineage under them had very high anxiety.
CeeJay Barnaby (30:48)
Mm.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (31:16)
all change from the gene expression and the DNA of what their ancestors went through with that trauma. And then of course, language delays, ⁓ problem solving issues, impaired readiness to learn. So this is happening to our littlest children. And research shows childhood trauma goes to at least three generations, if not more.
So how does we change it? Knowledge is power. When I have a client that is ⁓ a parent, I always ask, how old are your children and how are they doing? Because if I know this lady, for example, went through a very traumatic divorce with a very narcissistic, angry husband, I know the kids already have childhood trauma.
So now I have to empower this woman, heal her trauma, empower her and teach her children new trauma healing skills as well. So in that way I can heal the whole family.
CeeJay Barnaby (32:15)
Mm.
Wow. How do you integrate mindfulness into your coaching programs?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (32:21)
Yes.
⁓ that’s a part of it as a spirituality spirituality is very important for healing having the faith you can get out of this and do better for yourself and your kids and that is all mindset as well because again eight out of ten people have this defeatist I’m stuck I can’t get out of this I’ll never have anyone love me again or
CeeJay Barnaby (32:31)
Okay.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (32:47)
They do what we call RRS, relationship repetition syndrome. So let’s say they finally get out of that toxic marriage. They read 80 self-help books and say, okay, now I’m gonna find somebody different, find someone that chemistry is hot, it’s the same kind of person, just a different face. And she’s there, I’ve had three people like this that I’ve loved, all toxic, what am I doing wrong? And that’s the frustration part.
Because they can’t get it. They’re trying to learn, read the books and do with this superficial stuff when the deep-seated subconscious work has never been done, which is the trauma recovery healing. When we get that done, and we get them empowered, then they go out and date.
They would never settle for anything else. It would never settle for someone and they’re smarter, they know what to look for, they know the questions to ask, and they’re looking for someone who’s more consciously aware and emotionally healthy this time and not just the hot guy or girl.
CeeJay Barnaby (33:51)
That’s a better outcome for sure. Can you share some of your experience working with diverse populations, E.G., in the prison system with women and adolescents and how that shaped your understanding of
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (33:53)
Yeah, For sure.
Thank
Sure, I guess the best example is my ladies from the prison system. This was in a drug rehab in Atlantic City, down in the city. And the women coming out of jail were from, or juvenile, schools. Were 16, and my oldest lady was 68 at the time.
and I was hired to do Saturday morning counseling because that was the only time period I had open and I was doing my trademark system based on my books and I was just starting to write the notebooks then.
And they’re like, we need you as a night counselor. So I went in two nights and then I taught a lesson on Saturday. I remember walking in on Saturday and they’re in their robes and their curlers and they’re cursing, why do we have to come to a class Saturday? It’s our day off. And I’m like, I get that ladies, but I’m not going to talk to you at all about drugs and alcohol. They’re like, then why are we going to learn? I said, everything else you need to know to get out of here. So I showed them the movie, Secret, not in the first class, like the second or third class. And one lady said,
Well, Miss Riana, that’s great. You can use this mindset work if your life’s together, but we’re stuck in here. How is that ever going to work for us? I said, good question. Here’s another way to look at it. You may be stuck in here, but one, you’re not in a prison cell, two, you have three meals a day that you don’t have to buy, schlep the groceries home or cook the meals. You have clean beds with clean sheets every day. You have 32 sisters here that understand your pain.
You may not have your children every day, but you have the ability to have them visit you and give them hugs and kisses where in jail you could not. And another lady stands up and she goes, Miss Riana, we are blessed. And I’m there, there you go. That’s the other way you look at it. Now they understand what mindset was.
CeeJay Barnaby (35:58)
That’s awesome. That’s awesome.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (36:00)
Yeah, so that’s
an example of a very diverse population and using mindset work. Then I taught them job skills, parenting skills, resumes. They all had a resume before they left there. How to interview for a job. So they learned life skills. And I had found most of the rehabs aren’t teaching life skills. Even the teenage rehab where I worked, like, you know, the kids were just standing outside smoking or watching TV and I’m like,
CeeJay Barnaby (36:13)
Mm.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (36:29)
This is early on, I had to get credits to be a drug and alcohol counselor. I’m like, can I teach these kids life skills? like, well, we’re not paying in anything extra. I’m like, I am putting time in here and I think these kids need to learn about job skills and interviews and get more confidence in themselves because they’re feeling pretty put out now at 15 through 18 being a drug alcohol rehab center. They’re like, yeah, sure, go for it. And these kids just like.
So why aren’t these centers doing this is my question. Yeah.
CeeJay Barnaby (37:00)
That’s awesome.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we can’t really go into that, but I was going to ask you about key psychological characteristics that people must develop to be able to create lasting, healthy relationships. What would you think they are?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (37:08)
I’m not sure.
Okay, well, let me see. I have a whole list of them somewhere. And I would go over them. They’re from my book, Love Beyond Your Dreams. But let’s see what ones I can remember without my cheat sheet. There’s five F’s. ⁓ So one is foundation, meaning the foundation within each of you is solid. You’ve got good values, good morals, you like who you are, your life is together.
Like you love your work, you’re not in debt, you feel good about your life, you are ready, really, for a partner. Another F is fun. Do you share the same activities? Do you have the same future vision together? Where do you want to go? And as simple as travel, are you someone that like cruises or are you a camper? You know, what is your fun? Is that match up with each other?
Another F is fidelity, meaning do you have the ability to be honest and honorable and have integrity, meaning doing the right things when nobody is looking. So you’re trustworthy. ⁓ There is a foundation in intimacy, and that doesn’t mean sex necessarily. That means the ability to love and be loving. So daily affection, holding hands, giving hugs.
you know, being kind with your language, with your attitude, so that active intimacy can easily lead to happy sexual life, a healthy life, because the intimacy is there on a daily basis. So those are just a few. You share the same goals regarding parenting. ⁓ You share the same vision of partnership within the home, right? ⁓
Both people are working, which tends to be the norm these days. It used to be in the 70s when I grew up. It’s like, okay, the woman goes off to college, gets a job, does the cooking, does the cleaning, take care of the kids. Like we were on super burnout, you know, and they’re like, well, why aren’t you happy? And it’s like, well, you know, where’s our chance to even have two minutes of personal time? So it was way askew back then, because our moms were homemakers. They stayed home with their children.
CeeJay Barnaby (39:37)
You
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (39:42)
So it was in the 70s that our generation was supposed to step up to everything, the women. And the men didn’t do anything in the household, very rarely. Like my ex never changed a diaper. Yet I’m working full time to help support the household. Now I watch my son-in-laws, two millennial guys in their 40s now, and they were fabulous fathers, definitely feeding the kids and changing the diapers and doing daddy days and being active at school, being active as their coaches.
So from the millennial men, they get it. think because they saw their moms going through so much that they really have stepped up to be great partners for their wives. So I think it’s gotten better through the generations. But you’re really looking to be a good teammate. You know, it’s you and your partner against the world, right? It’s you putting each other first, having a lot of fun, never stop dating, never ever.
CeeJay Barnaby (40:17)
struggle.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (40:41)
Usually get couples and the last time they date they have no idea because kids got in the way or work got in the way and they stopped having fun. So you always have to have fun and romance each other. That is ongoing as you work and you put that income towards your dreams and goals for your future. Yeah.
CeeJay Barnaby (40:50)
you
Beautiful. Yeah, yeah.
Can you talk about the importance of understanding unconscious behavioral patterns in healing relationship wounds? Relationship wounds.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (41:10)
and healing what? ⁓
Yes, when I work with couples, there’s three entities, partner A, partner B, and the relationship, because I do work with straight and LGBTQ singles and couples as well. So I have to heal the trauma of both partners individually. So with my couples, I always have individual time, and then I have couples time.
Then initially when I get them, have to put out fires, is what I call them. So very early on, we have a communication lesson. And it’s a whole hour of me teaching. My type of coaching, we’re working as a team, but very much in the beginning, I am teaching. Teaching new skills and new patterns that they have to start practicing.
Right, so they learn to be more open and with more confidence as time goes on, but they already learn the communication skills to try to express these things. And they’re practicing them the whole four to six months that we’re working together. And then when they understand childhood trauma within themselves, they understand what their triggers are, and they understand the triggers of their partners.
So very often people will take when their partner is triggering around something, they take it personally. ⁓ she’s mad at me again. When it really has nothing to do with you. It might have been a client that said something to her that upset her, but she’s now in a bad mood. And instead you can say, are you okay? How can I support you? You know, and you’re not taking it so personally.
⁓ So you learn these patterns, you learn how to communicate around them, and the triggering becomes less and less. Because now they know, okay, that would be upsetting to him, so let me be consciously aware and choose my words in a different way.
You know, and there’s all kinds of relationship rules, like I said, that they need to learn that they didn’t learn anywhere. I didn’t learn them. We didn’t learn them in the families. We didn’t learn them in schools. We didn’t learn them in master’s programs. But this is something I put together because it’s so important because everyone has some trauma somewhere that our communication skills have to be very conscious so that we are able to discuss our feelings in an empowered way and not trigger our partner. And if we do, our spiritual
reality rule is quick to apologize and quick to forgive. hon, I’m sorry, that didn’t sound real nice. Let me reword that. You know, and you just take away the defense of the person right away. So it becomes so much easier and more fun.
CeeJay Barnaby (43:45)
Hmm.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (43:49)
And you know, when the people on the other side of the rainbow, they’re like, my God, how was I ever that angry, nasty person, sarcastic person, using you as a brunt of my jokes? Like, they look at their behavior after the fact, and it’s like, how was I that person? And I said, don’t be so hard on yourself, because you didn’t get any intention in your home. You knew in school when you were the class clown, and did sarcasm and jokes, you got love.
and that behavior just stayed with you and you used it but it’s not funny when it comes to you putting down your wife in front of a group of people. Right? So now they understand where it came from, what was the use, why did they do it and why it’s harmful. So now they start breaking the patterns.
CeeJay Barnaby (44:36)
Yeah, yeah. Well, that leads me to that next question, which is, what is one piece of advice you’d give those stuck repeating toxic relationship cycles? What’s a simple pattern break that they can actually use? I mean, you did talk a bit about finding the faith in relationships. Is that one you’d recommend as a really good one to actually help break those sort of patterns?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (44:59)
there’s so many of them. ⁓ there’s, there’s actually a whole trauma wheel. it’s like when one person does this, triggers one person to do that, which then in turn makes them do that, which in turn makes them do that. So it’s my job to figure out what this trauma wheel is. And every couple’s different, right? They, they have reoccurring arguments or they can’t get beyond the past.
CeeJay Barnaby (45:07)
okay.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (45:28)
They keep bringing the past up or, you know, one’s not feeling heard or one’s always has to be right. You know, there’s these different things that they aren’t really consciously aware they’re doing them. So it’s breaking that by education. You know, I have to educate them to make them see that this was the pattern they’re doing. And because he was doing that, she responded this way. Right. So.
CeeJay Barnaby (45:57)
Yeah.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (45:58)
It’s really so individualized in what they’re presenting to me. So it’s first understanding their childhood trauma wounds, why they get angry or defensive because it’s an old wound, they’re triggered, and then what they’re doing instead. So let’s say a man puts his wife down, she gets angry, first she yells and he does it again. So now she shuts down.
because she’s not connected to him. I don’t want to talk to him and how he’s mad because he’s not having intimacy or sex because she’s just not related, not feeling safe, not engaged. So then what happens? He gets mad, he does it again. So it’s the wheel that has to be broken and it’s through education.
CeeJay Barnaby (46:43)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that’s individualized.
Yeah, yeah.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (46:49)
of what I learned
from each person and the couple’s dynamic, that third entity of what keeps going on. And I have to seek that out.
CeeJay Barnaby (47:01)
Okay, so how can listeners learn more about your programs or start their own journey towards healing today?
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (47:07)
Okay, the best thing is to go to my website. It’s my name, rianamilm.com. And if you’ve been driving, the good thing is under quizzes, the childhood trauma checklist is there. Start there, it’s fascinating. If you think you’re in a toxic relationship under quizzes is the red flag checklist. Do that one for yourself. On the homepage is a free ebook, How to Have the Love You Deserve. It’s about 36 pages, free, very educational.
CeeJay Barnaby (47:21)
Yeah, cool.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (47:35)
and under books you can get the first sixty pages of live and love beyond your dreams. So start there!
And I have a podcast called Lessons in Life and Love with Coach Riana Milne. I have 126 shows out and on my YouTube channel like 350 audios and videos. They are all free. And if you want to work with me to go through your personal trauma checklist and love trauma and let me help put those puzzle pieces together, we do a blueprint of how coaching can help you specifically write exactly what we would work on.
and that is a two-hour private session with me by Zoom so I do them around the world and it’s on a super super special there’s a big orange button on the home page just click there and I meet with you and we do everything step by step and get you in your healing journey.
CeeJay Barnaby (48:29)
Awesome, sounds nice and easy. Thank you so much, Riana, for everything you’ve shared today. It’s been a pleasure talking with you and hearing of your understanding of trauma and how that can heal people and the world.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (48:41)
Thank you, CJ. I just want to encourage our listeners that they can have that life they desire and the love that they deserve. Life’s too short, so go for it and good luck.
CeeJay Barnaby (48:52)
Yeah, thank you. All right, I’ll just say goodbye to the listeners.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (48:54)
Thank
you.
CeeJay Barnaby (49:00)
Wow, that was really good. Thank you so much, Riana, for coming on the show and sharing all that you shared. If you’ve enjoyed today’s show, please reach out to Riana specifically on your own and just say thanks because it was really well presented. Her understanding is deep. And, you know, with that many years behind you and ⁓ a wealth of experience in so many facets of life to do with psychology and ⁓ inner child healing, trauma work.
You’re going to know so much that you can share it so willingly and clearly. So if you’ve enjoyed today’s show, remember to like and subscribe. And if you’re on a podcast app, remember to five-star us, say something nice, and share this to a friend who you think might need it. That’d be really appreciated. And till next episode, it’s bye for now.
Coach Riana Milne LMHC, CCTP (49:51)
Like and subscribe. Don’t forget. We’ll see you soon.
